a0z0ra - blue sky

Being a SAHM is kinda fun

2011-06-29T00:51:00.000-07:00

I am surprised. Being a Stay At Home Mother - which I intend to do for a year - is kinda fun. Playing with a baby isn't as difficult as it seems.

Looking at his giant eyes that adore you so much is very addicting.

All this time I didn't think I fit to be a mother. But now I have changed into quite a nurturing one. I exclusively breastfeed Baby A and hopefully so for a year. So far it has been 3 successful months.

However, having a baby change your social life. Single friends would probably don't understand the challenge of having a baby and will blankly stare at you if you are telling them stories about your baby. Friends with babies would not suddenly warm up to you.

It is kinda lonely. But I'm having the best time of my life with baby A. Don't grow up so soon!

Baby is sleeping

2011-06-07T23:37:00.001-07:00

Baby A is sleeping soundly in my bedroom. I missed writing, so here it is. This is not even a haiku, but a start nonetheless.

Baby is kicking

2010-12-06T23:49:00.000-08:00

5 months old now

I'm enjoying my escape from all things logical & the strong urge to perform :D

Article: Hotels Rwanda

2010-09-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

Hotels Rwanda

Excerpt: At the Roman Catholic Church in Cyangugu, 1,500 parishioners were killed. Seven thousand Seventh Day Adventists were killed at their church in Mugonero. One pastor, according to Philip Gourevitch’s book We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed with Our Families, told a congregant, “You must be eliminated. God no longer wants you.” Both priests and nuns alike were found guilty not only of turning a blind eye but also of assisting in the actual killing. In Nyange, Father Athanase Seromba ﬁrst helped usher his Tutsi parishioners into the church, then worked side by side with militiamen who threw grenades through the open windows. Prior to coming, I had read that 4,000 people had been killed at the church in Kibuye alone, but when we went to see for ourselves, the plaque put the ﬁgure at 11,400.

My take: Another reminder that the Church isn't infallible. Also, could it be that living in such proximity with the wildlife can alter a nation's view on the frailty of human life - as if it holds the exact same value as other animals? Maybe they'd think killing humans are the same as killing baboons.

Backstabber: Thy name is evil

2010-08-30T16:57:00.000-07:00

He has a smile on his face, a knife on his right hand, and ready to stab you anytime when you're not ready.

In some part of the world, he could be considered a smart man.

I'm longing to die before the inevitable event occur; one where such view is widely accepted.

So the world won't collapse

2010-08-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

Maintain the balance, dear me, so the world won't collapse
The limbo is suffocating and I can't wait to wake from my dream
But it's still a long time, decades to come

Am I still in my youth? Surely not. But yet this feels like forever. My right foot is out there but my left foot is reconsidering.

Past

2010-06-26T00:48:00.000-07:00

What I might have loved about the past may only be a frozen point in time. That day, that hour, the people at that particular time.

Now that time has passed, people have changed, an attempt to recreate the past may be futile.

The only possible action is to accept that it is the past that you can't reclaim again. Be grateful for it. Keep in touch with people of the past, talked about those days, the nostalgic moments. Then move on.

Fashion reconsider

2010-06-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

Really, aside from a basic need to cover yourself, it has evolved to a larger meaning: to express yourself.

Not that expressing yourself need to go only through fashion, but in this damn noisy & overcrowded world, it certainly helps.

For some, they only need to see guidance from famous figures: models, celebrities, cool friends. This means imitating. They will train their eyes through the Medias and obey whatever it is that the Medias dictated to them.

But for the designers, to lead fashion means a lot more: they have to dig deeper and put reasons behind their design decisions.

Which is why (supposedly) we put more values into expensive brands. We pay for their guidance so we don't have to put time thinking about it.

But really, especially for Asian people, it is never about this value that attracts people to buy. It is the blatant fact of status snobbery (Gee! Look at how expensive her bag is!), even if it looks like crap.

Los Links - Bing TV Commercial

2010-05-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

Very Nicely Done!

Almost Summer

2010-05-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

Scent of summer is thick, the scent of sands in my feet, the salty water and the sunscreen. And the sun, the hot scorching sun, eager to send forth his rays to touch me. Dangerously sexy, will I oblige?

It is still 50 degrees outside. But oh the temptations of oncoming summer. Who won't be sweaty with anticipation?

The girls will be there with their brown/blonde thick wavy hair, wearing the bikinis, will pass by you as the guys, behind sunglasses, will savor the visions. They will pretend not too care but their skipping hearts tell otherwise.

Surfers will go test the waters, skim the ocean, dare the waves. They will fall, then they will rise again.

Couples will devour the splendor of golden rainbows, as the sun sets in California. A melancholic sounds from a guitar someone play in the background. Sips of wine and chatty conversation from loved ones.

Where will I be? I'll be beside you.

Maybe in another intersection

2010-05-05T01:24:00.000-07:00

My current project will be finished in a couple more days, which means I'm gonna go to yet another intersection. This time, however, I am trying to gain enough momentum & confidence to decide on a very important matter.

I have to grow professionally.

As always, opportunities came by and said hi - being a good girl I never fail to try entertaining the guests. Maybe a bit too much. I only realized that with that many plans you cannot really focus. Perhaps if I be a bit picky by only selecting few things to do, I may be able to achieve the high-quality result I wanted.

So another door has been closed recently, and I shouldn't blame anyone but myself. Next time I'll do better - but I have to make sure this time, I really FOCUS.

Madonna - Take A Bow

2010-04-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

It was censored a lot back then in Indonesia! The original uncensored version is simply beautiful.

Unbearable nagging feeling...

2010-04-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

... very much uncontrollable arrogance that has been in my hot blood ever since I remember. That I have good taste in art.

I'd still prefer Motown, but Andy Lau is ok

2010-03-30T01:00:00.000-07:00

The hubby brought up an Andy Lau CD I never knew he has. Then he played it on our stereo system.

The melancholic melody - trademarks of Chinese songs that is familiar to my ears - started to fill up the room.

I used to hate Chinese songs very much (I still do for some songs) however with the lack of great songs on the radio lately, I welcomed this odd sounds to my ear. After all, it's Andy Lau's - supposedly the Sinatra of HK music scene.

It is a strange nostalgic sound that reminds me of childhood days back in Jakarta, going to the Gloria building accompanying my mom, passing through street vendors that sells illegal Chinese cassettes.

I remember we went there to eat. The food I don't remember. But the blasting music raping my ears with unfamiliar language, that I remember. I hate that sounds. I hate not knowing what the singers talking about. I hate how they all sounded so damn sad.

Hubby was raised in predominantly Chinese culture - yet he rarely shows this side of him. I was very comfortable with Western & Indonesian culture. Only recently, since my friends here are quite comfortable with Chinese culture, I started to care a little bit.

The continuous argument

2010-03-06T01:18:00.000-08:00

All these things, all these works that I've been doing to earn my monthly dues, is nothing dear to my heart. It is just something that I can do and I am doing it good enough.

But there's those things, the sweet temptations from the other sides that just refuse to unbind me. The allure and glamor of presenting stories, of grabbing the attention of the masses, entertain and influence them - subtly.

I'm restless as my heart is arguing back and forth - the continuous argument between a basic animal rights of safe comfortable life against a mad, unknown, uncontrollable passion for the arts of storytelling.

It is a dream that I would not let go. The heart whispered to me late in the night.

I closed my eyes and let the night swept away the lingering hope - so it won't leave any trace for the morning sun.

On selecting arts

2010-02-27T00:14:00.000-08:00

Emotion is beautiful, only if throughly examined
Raw emotion is bad for your soul, like an uncontrollable fire will destroy

So is art in all forms, a raw one, pretty to be seen or heard the first time
but it has to be tested by time

Which one will stand still?

Oh, what I would do to develop that kind of intuition, to know which one has hit the right note to human souls. The eternal arts.

If I were to pick up Tolkien's LOTR when it first came out, would I recognize that it is a piece of genius? Or would I simply dismissed it as crappy?

Older and hopefully, wiser

2010-02-23T00:39:00.000-08:00

As we get older, we hope we're gonna get wiser
But with lack of role models, how are we going to get there?

I ponder myself with this question, wondering why a girl said to me that she thought I'm 22. A bit of an insult, but an eye opener nonetheless. Maybe I've been in my comfort zones too long.

I need to act more like my age. Wiser and older.

As I said to someone to become wiser as he gets older, I reminded myself the same thing. Get wiser.

For me, wiser means to be able to take care of other people, not just myself, to be a good disciple to my mentors, a good partner for my friends, and a good mentor to those who look up to me (if any).

I surely hope I'll be able to do this. But never by myself, never alone. I need good people around me to provide me with support. And You, my Lord. Without You I'm nothing.

A reminder, so I will remember

2010-02-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

My identities:

1) Catholic
Ultimate hard decisions should be based on this priority. I believe that most of their teachings are well-proven and contains the truth about the blueprint of human souls. Challenges & temptations will always be there. When you die you shall be ready to explain. It is a strong and persistent belief that last for generations.

2) Wife
Wife of Just2it. Alongside priority #1, what God has unite shall not be broken by man.
"to have and to hold for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

3) Daughter
Daughter of my amazing parents who brought me up well and best to their skills & knowledge.
(Also a daughter-in-law)

4) Sister
Sister of a social lady, from whom I learnt a lot about speaking up, and whom I really look up to.

5) Friend
Friend of many people I encounter in my life. I shall enrich their lives, fill one another with wisdoms, knowledge and most importantly, love them the way God intended.

6) Fellow human
Fellow human of the society in which I live. I shall be a good citizen of humanity, a kind stranger to those in need. I shall honor and obey the laws.

Merry Xmas, Happy New Year, Here comes randomness

2010-01-05T23:27:00.000-08:00

- Why is it that I always look concerned all the time?
- Promise myself to eat healthier this year
- Colorado winter vacation was great, but too cold. Snowboard twice, I can do toe-side now :) Wanna go to Vail & Aspen on my next CO visit!
- Quality, not quantity

She looks happy

2009-12-23T21:45:00.000-08:00

She looks happy. But Facebook is a public thingie, so of course you put your best face in the public.

Am I happy? I'm very lucky in a sense that I get to experience living and earning decent money in US. At the expense of what?

Unwillingness to change from an Indonesian point of view - even if married to a non-Indonesian - really is a personal issue that needs to be addressed quickly.

I'm not in Indonesia anymore.

When I have my eternal sleep, play me a happy song

2009-12-21T21:47:00.001-08:00

In the end, really, I'm an eternal student
Every time I thought I understand something, there comes a point where I realize I don't really know anything

So what's the point? Knowledge keep changing overtime
It is harder to keep up with it. I'll just do my best to make use of what I have and what I can improve on.

Especially regarding people. When I thought I could figure someone out, it turned out that I was wrong. My knowledge of these dynamic freewill creature was always at 30% or less.

Also, yourself can be a very hard person to figure out. Sometimes I stand in the mirror and find a stranger stare back at me. What does she want? The heart knows what it wants, it has a mind of its own and never can be tamed with strong will alone.

What feels like forever right now may only last seconds in the future. Unpredictable. So is this lamentation.

On what is truly important in a friendship

2009-12-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

In absence of parental or older authority figures, a group of friends are doomed if they're not willing to
- listen and learn from each other
- help each other
- most importantly, correct one another

After all, we're there not just for the fun of it, but to witness each other's lives as we're getting older and hopefully, wiser.

Happy thxgiving everyone!

2009-11-25T00:14:00.000-08:00

- I am obsessed with my new phone - Motorola Droid
- Arizona trip is coming... looking forward to good fellowship (or sleepless nights)
- New full-time project is coming soon... mixed feeling but being busy is always good in this kind of economy
- Lately my tolerance level of trying out new stuff and experience has increased exponentially - great for my personal development
- Time flies - don't waste time since it is the most precious thing. Once it is gone you can't have it back

Immigration in USA

2009-11-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

Past, present & future me

2009-11-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

I looked back and saw my former self standing there behind me, in the past, looking at me in the present.

She knew that I would be able to do it if I want to - and I did. Perseverance was the keyword - and a lofty portion of thick skin prescribed.

As I walk forward, I see my future self standing there, waiting for me to catch up with her. I see her - a strong woman, wisdom in her hands, no longer controlled by fear (for only the wise fear the Lord).

Her ghost is way passed and her shadows are no more.

That utopian land I called Indonesia

2009-10-23T01:27:00.000-07:00

My happiest moment didn't happen in Indonesia. My most memorable moment didn't occur there too. The most beautiful place I've seen wasn't in Indonesia. The warmest hug I didn't receive from Indonesians. The most beautiful sky can't be seen from Indonesia.

The love I feel for that country is forced, a result of years of indoctrination agenda by the desperate regime, trying to instill an impossible attraction to a country that has many potentials but no luck.

No luck, mind you, no freaking luck.

Then, why the intense longing? I often said to myself before I sleep.

I dream the happiest dreams in the imagination land far far away. The blue sky from heaven is making love to the turquoise sea. To feel the air and smell the sand in my feet. My hands are reaching to the faces I recognize, those who I care deeply. The people were all pretty and friendly. The laughters and heartfelt conversations follow me and I couldn't help but closing my eyes, smiles all around.

Then, as with the troubling nature of dreams that have to end, I wake up abruptly - to feel the stabbing pain in my chest as I struggle to catch a cold, cold air in the land that offers thousands of opportunities but no heartfelt warmth.

That land I called Indonesia never exist. My beautiful photoshopped postcard. I was never there, and probably never will.

A chance in a thousand years

2009-09-27T23:14:00.000-07:00

With so many brainiacs vow their hearts out dedicated to you, Indonesia, don't fail them now. Failure is no longer an option.

She is reliving her life

2009-09-17T23:54:00.000-07:00

Her shadows, live forever, in her beloved daughters

Sekadar pikiran sebelum tidur (mostly in Bahasa)

2009-09-03T00:41:00.000-07:00

Ada yang bilang semua orang selain dia adalah bodoh, tak punya otak. Kalau kita merendahkah orang kita meninggikan diri sendiri.

Pada dasarnya yang dia mau adalah Love. Tapi siapa yang bisa beri dia cinta?

Humility is indeed a virtue. But who can do this perfectly in this world?

Dan lagi ada yang bilang banyak orang itu aneh. Dan ia tak mau mengerti. Buat apa juga mengerti? Problem dia sendiri sudah banyak.

Dan lebih banyak lagi bilang mereka bosan. Yah bagaimana tidak bosan? Pada dasarnya kita terlahir untuk memberi cerita hidup, satu sama lain. Karakter2 orang harus dibangun, dan kita harus mengkoreksi satu sama lain. Jika tidak, percuma sajalah hidup sendirian.

Tapi bagaimana kalau kita hidup dalam suatu lingkungan yang tidak memberi kesempatan untuk membangun karakter? Tidak mengkoreksi satu sama lain dengan wisdom; bukan karena ketidaksabaran atau ketidaksukaan? Dan berani menilai koreksi dengan jujur, bukan dengan total defense: if this person corrected me, s/he must not like me, thus I cannot be with him/her.

Juga menjadi anak Tuhan yang berkarya di dunia banyak masalahnya. Bagaimana tarik garisnya? Dimana gray area yang kita bisa lalui dengan selamat? Hidup di dunia modern ini yang banyak standardnya?

Satu loh yang pasti, menurut saya. Hidup itu perlu dishare sama orang, supaya kita bisa belajar satu sama lain. Juga jangan terlalu kaku, terlalu tarik garis hitam putih. Jangan takut akan perubahan, orang2 malas untuk menerimamu berubah, tapi berubahlah anyway jika itu baik untukmu. Itu menurut saya.

(Dan tentunya, ini buat saya sendiri, tidak ada maksud menyinggung siapa-siapa)

Blog is not abandoned

2009-08-20T00:47:00.000-07:00

- H1b appeal granted. Hurrah.
- Waraskita.net -- KeongMas latest project. Need your support.
- Learned a lot about professionalism. Like, a LOT.
- Crazy Malaysian found some friends. Glad to see him happy. He's been bored couple of times. When he's bored I'm the victim.
- Married people will got temptations if hanging around w/ too many good looking, single & available fe/male. Need to be a bit smarter about this.
- Some friends will get married soon. Can't wait!

It is good

2009-07-24T02:51:00.000-07:00

Bring me another bittersweet melody, my Lord. I heard Your voice and they fill my soul with a taste of eternity. I tried to keep them there, but somehow my infidelity betrayed me. But the Lord's words will always be there for the good of the world.

Your Love, my Lord, brought me to the river of forgiveness, but I can't face myself there. The water is so clear I'm afraid of touching it. I saw my reflection and it was dirty. But the mighty Lord has forgive everything for the good to the world.

Nonsense my Lord! The enemies keep tugging at my soul, convinced in themselves that they are right, and I'm wrong. Don't tell me otherwise my Lord! But the omnipotent Lord knows everything that is good in the world, and he corrected me.

Can't argue with Him, that Being, aloneness in Him made me more desperate to know more, listen more, understand more. But mine is a tiny vessel that can't contain the sea. The Lord's wisdom made the earth turns for the good of the world.

Give me manna thousand times over, my Lord. When I bite to your candy I lose my humanity, I'm hungry. So the Lord stretches his Hands and for the good of the world, He let the blood flows and feed millions more.

The war in her eyes

2009-07-18T01:50:00.003-07:00

He was talking about two shadows in her, one dragging and beating the other to fulfill its ideal. The strong one was very cold-blooded, mean, vengeful, and live off raging madness. The other was very meek, weak, full of guilt, fearful, never question, never hope.

She was caught in between the war that were not supposed to be there. It's for the public to see, for free, if you catch a glimpse in her eyes.

RIP MJ

2009-06-26T12:00:00.001-07:00

Never can say goodbye....

In spirit of the Transformers (or not)

2009-06-24T17:44:00.004-07:00

Slowly but surely I saw myself transformed, year after year. Dear God, I surely hope it was a good transformation.

Really, it was all about choices. I made the choice. Killing that freakish desperate little artist trying to make the world see her colors was one of them.

Right now, I'm transforming into that suburban wife with that future suburban house with kids yellin & goldie ole retriever barkin (or these days, two chiwawas). Getting myself a slice of that American dreams. Not sure if I'm gonna like it, but it is a healthy & popular choice. 100000000++++++ people can't all be wrong eh?

Words have escaped me. They find me boring.

A favor to ask

2009-06-01T16:33:00.003-07:00

Please support this bill to reduce/eliminate immigration backlogs:
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/bill.xpd?bill=s111-1085

Find your senators here:http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm and send them emails. Below is the template.

************************ Sample letter *************************

Dear Sen. ,
I urge you to support S. 1085: A bill to amend the Immigration and Nationality Act to promote family unity.

Currently, law-abiding, taxpaying legal permanent residents of the United States are forced to live away from their spouses and children, in most cases for over 5 years! While they wait, their spouse and child are not allowed to enter the U.S., even for a brief visit. The permanent resident, on the other hand, must reside predominantly in the U.S., otherwise they lose their permanent residency status.

Immigration law is splitting these families. There are tens of thousands of immigrant families throughout the nation that are currently undergoing this pain of separation.

Even non-immigrant families entering the U.S. on temporary work/visitor visas can bring their families to live with them on dependent visas. It is only legal permanent residents that are unfairly left out without any option but to be separated from their families for years.

I strongly urge you to support S. 1085, this bill will eliminate the wait time for immediate family members of permanent residents to immigrate by reclassifying them as "immediate relatives" - the same category afforded to spouses and children of U.S. citizens. The bill also includes other administrative fixes to the immigration system.

I sincerely hope that you will grant favorable consideration to this bill in the Senate Judiciary committee hearing.

Please help reunite our families together.

Sincerely,

US Immigration sucks, so is SDSU

2009-05-19T17:35:00.004-07:00

This I know, I won't be accused of doing nothing. I will persist.

Cool rooms

2009-05-06T00:38:00.002-07:00

On Election

2009-04-02T15:53:00.002-07:00

I received a poster-size election paper last week. This is going to be my first election after 9 years in US. Good job for the organizers. They actually reached out to Indonesians in US this time. How many are there? Do you think the number could be higher than 100 thousands?

Umami flavor

2009-03-17T15:32:00.003-07:00

Like a good wine, to get the best possible literatures you have to get your best emotions inside, process it and let it be there for a while. Then when it is ready, you let it go.

However, do know that for some people they have that umami flavor inside, something that is truly unique to them, that you cannot replicate no matter how hard you try.

But you will try nonetheless. No other choice.

Little sidewalk girl

2009-03-01T23:16:00.005-08:00

The daylight rejected her love long ago, so she sold her soul to nightfall. There the creature tightly embraced her - the girl with a curious mixture of innocence and sadness. The possessive bastard knew she had nowhere to go.

As time goes by

2009-02-18T13:01:00.001-08:00

That melody brought you back, suddenly she was young again, begging for you to dance with her once more. And tease her twice more.

Fleeting youth

2009-02-04T12:14:00.000-08:00

Not yet, I'm still young
Said she in front of the mirror, dotting a red lipstick & Louboutin pump
Secretly she begged for time to stood still

Bom sajalah itu kota

2009-02-03T12:13:00.000-08:00

Terlalu banyak orang di Jakarta
Bom sajalah itu kota
(Ungsikan orgnya dulu lah)

Bikin baru, biar bersih & teratur

Sebab siapa sangka, buat kota Berlin
hancurnya kota = kanvas putih bagi mereka

Dan arsitek2 mereka megap2 kesenangan
dibikinlah tata kota yang cantik rupawan

dan semua orang hepi deh sekarang!

The old woman

2009-02-02T14:52:00.001-08:00

She threw a candlestick to the empty space in front of her
"Where are you," her shrieks filled up the space

The invisible man never reply. He was her dream, her forever love.

They were supposed to be married for 75 years. But he was never there.

She didn't recognize him. Thousand faces in the city but she couldn't see his face.

Abandoned no more

2009-02-02T14:25:00.000-08:00

Ok, I better start writing soon

Resilience

2008-11-24T15:40:00.001-08:00

Resilience is a very precious skill that you can only master after series of challenges. There is no other way.

Winners

2008-11-10T15:37:00.001-08:00

Those who can conquer their fears & tame their greed.

Hypocrisy? What hypocrisy? Hmph

2008-10-23T14:12:00.003-07:00

Hypocrisy (or being a hypocrite) is the act of pretending to oppose a belief or behaviour while holding the same beliefs or behaviours at the same time.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocrisy

Careful there. Hypocrisy is such a strong word people would be taken a step back when you cry it out.

Why? Because we can't know for sure what belief a person holding inside. Their actions may say otherwise, but actions can be different depending on circumstances.

Sometimes what I thought is a hypocrisy is only a desire not to start a fight. Desire to keep peace and show your best foot forward. They may say things they don't mean just to please you, but you should appreciate it because they still want to keep relationships with you. That's love right there. I, for one, can be a hard person to love.

After all, being non-judgmental is so easy a caveman can do it.

To fight or not to fight.. or what is there to fight about?

2008-10-20T13:24:00.004-07:00

Once you're bitten by a particular dog you'll make sure it won't happened again. You'll avoid the dog. Or any animals that resembles the damn dog.

Same with people. Once you're hurt by a particular person, you'll avoid at any cost to interact with him/her again. Or anyone that resembles that nasty person.

If you just avoid problems at any cost, you'll risk getting screwed over and over again. People will treat you like a doormat. Yet, people will love you because you resembles a pet, you can't do harm to them. You will be popular and your name will be associated with friendliness.

There are moments where personalities clash. When they do, egos collide, resulted in scars for both sides. Both people lose.

Only grace from Heaven will heal these scars and let you two have great relationship again. Normally they won't go away until death do they part. Forgiveness is an ideal in which very few saints understand. Normal people don't understand, or just too lazy wanting to understand. They usually just follow whatever gut feelings they have at the moment. If it's hatred, then hatred it is.

The one who choose not to fight back may appear lose at the moment, but in the end they actually win. Because that other guy/girl with the big ego will still keep a relationship with the smaller ego. That may be a Christian goal. Avoid to fight back and swallows your pride. Pray for that other person. Give it to God. How enchanting.

However,which one of these two options are better for your health? That is, of course, if living a long life is your goal.

I get it, maybe just a little...

2008-10-17T17:43:00.004-07:00

Yes, I always know that I must have missed something. All my life I've been a good girl, with a couple of very minor misdemeanors here and there.

I've always been surrounded by good people (lucky me!). I did my homeworks, I laughed at the clean humor and rarely cursed. Guess what, I am also surrounded by people who did their homeworks, laughed at clean humors and rarely cursed.

It hasn't changed.

What has changed is that I now understand that there are other world out there that I just don't get it. That world where people are more carefree, they love & fight fiercely, they don't care about God & the afterlife, and they cursed. A lot!

I always want to check out that world, and see what I can find. I saw enough hypocrisy going on with my world, which sometimes I took part. I engaged in a lot of superficial relationships as well. What's out there then? What can be worse?

I'm not smart enough to live in this world by myself, I did so many stupid things, and to the amusement of people who know me, I will continue doing stupid & superficial things. I need something real. What's out there? Is it real? What is real?

I did my homeworks in life. I got good grades. Yet somehow I feel like I must have missed something.

Hahahah.... What the Heck?

2008-10-10T17:02:00.001-07:00

I especially love the Bajaj scene with 4 big bules inside :)

Travelling in Indonesia - if only...

2008-09-29T13:49:00.003-07:00

I have questions for expats from Indonesia who now reside all over the world. Who will actually go back to Indonesia and stay in their city for the whole week?

No, right? You want to travel. Travel is a necessities when you visit Indonesia - besides eating a lot of good food, of course. And freakishly, there's a lot of destinations to choose from.

One thing I really miss when I'm in Indonesia is the absent of high tech travel tools.

If I want to sneak in a couple of days to visit my friends in Jogjakarta or Bali, how do I plan the trip? Everything will goes back to be manual by phone call and phone book. Aaah.. the great big yellow book - you can kill a person with that. Transportation? Can I buy train tickets online? No, you have to go to the station to buy train tickets. Call them up first to check the schedule. Hmm.. maybe I should just pay a travel agent to do all the work for me.

Also, Like Anthony Bourdain's hotel in No Reservation - Indonesia, how will I know about the hotel if they don't have the website? Yea, I want to be served kue putu in my room while overlooking the lake. Double-salivating. Does anyone know the name of that hotel?

Actually Indonesians are pretty ok with online technologies. Blogs are like peanuts nowadays. But not businesses. They still have problems understanding how eCommerce works. A lot of the brick-and-mortar businesses haven't really adapted to online technologies as well as they do in United States.

I'm so used to priceline and checking message boards for great deals in Vegas. Also, lately I've been checking this website - Hotels Combined - http://www.hotelscombined.com/. Yea, it's something like kayak.com, but strictly for hotels & have more selections. Well, they have good amount of Jakarta/Bali/Singapore hotels too... so it may come in handy when I'm in Jakarta. When I'm in Penang, I'll just let the Malaysian decide.

But I can't go to new malls by checking routes in Google maps. Not to mention the GPS that has become my BFF lately is going to be rendered useless. Dunno if they have Jakarta/Bali/Singapore/Penang files for my Magellan, I doubt it though.

Speaking of which, I want to go on cruises for honeymoon. Indonesia has so many destination for cruises, if only the ports were good enough for cruise ships, I would've take cruises to go to Indonesia instead of planes. Must be fun.

Indonesian identity crisis

2008-09-23T12:14:00.000-07:00

With so many great news about China these past years, many Chinese-Indonesians may be tempted to reclaim their identities as Chinese again. I know several friends who have identified themselves as Chinese born in Indonesia rather than as an Indonesian.

Who can blame them? Indonesia as a family is still struggling with its own identity. Topics like UU Pornography bill should have been cleared out a looong time ago. This is a question that shouldn't dominate our politics. It's a sign that we as a country hasn't matured yet.

The Indonesian culture has been threatened for years and years. Cultural identity wars are everywhere and we're definitely losing it. We assimilate into bigger, better, stronger cultures -- Western, European, Japan, Korean, Chinese.

Yea, I was readily embrace Japan Kawaii culture along with hundreds of my peers. The Japanese invaded our life through Hello Kitty & Doraemon. Now I looked back and wondered how that ever happened? They were nothing but stupid cats with big eyes and overblown proportions.

Learning Japanese language was so cool and so in. Notice my nick? a0z0ra? It means blue-sky in Japanese. I was a middle-schooler when I adopted that nickname.

How about Indonesian language? Indonesian names? Indonesian babies everywhere have started to adopt foreign names since a long time ago. Gabrielle, Ivan, Monique, Fanny, Diana, etc etc. You know what... now they have started naming babies with Japanese names. Even the pribumis. Cmon, how do you deal with a Malay-looking babies with names like Hiroko and Ayumi? Where are the Joko's & Susi's? Now I've grown appreciation with people who named their babies distinctively Indonesian. Maybe someday I'll have my own babies named as 'Putri' (means daughter) or 'Teguh' (means strong).

What makes you proud to be an Indonesian? Can you still remember them?

Well, since I've been in US for a long time, these are the closest (& the most realistic) things I can remember:

I am proud to be Indonesian everytime I watch Anthony Bourdain's No Reservation Indonesian show.
I am proud to be Indonesian when I saw our sportsmen/women won gold in Olympic.
I am proud to be Indonesian everytime I google MRVL (Marvell) company because Sehat & Pantas Sutardja were born in Jakarta.
I am proud to be Indonesian everytime my Indonesian friends got their PHds in acclaimed US universities.
I am proud to be Indonesian everytime my Indonesian friends got accepted in Ivy League institutions.
I am proud to be Indonesian everytime I see an Indonesian group in big numbers hanging out and having fun.
I am proud to be Indonesian everytime I visit restaurants with Indonesian food as the main course.
I am proud to be Indonesian everytime I see the Indonesian isle in Ranch 99 (local Chinese grocery store).

What are yours?

Requiem

2008-09-18T12:16:00.004-07:00

A faithful reminder, your body is fragile, this world is temporary. Soul is eternal, what you left behind is kept in the memory of those you touch. It can be good or bad.

What is your life about then?

I surely hope each of us lead a good life, an unselfish life, a life that is shared with others in good times and bad times. What a long road.

SDAFF 2008

2008-09-05T23:17:00.001-07:00

If you happened to be in San Diego at that time, send me an email.

What's Going On - All Star ==> 2 different takes

2008-08-25T13:04:00.001-07:00

I like the first one better...

Catholic Wedding Vows

2008-08-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

"I, _______, take you, ________, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part."

About comparison

2008-08-18T12:06:00.003-07:00

Comparing Indonesia with United States is like comparing ants with elephants. Sudono Salim with Bill Gates. Totally unfair.

Let's start with Phillipines first. They are very similar to us in so many ways.

Then maybe we can move to Malaysia. That country never had a gold medal before! (Yea, I know I digress)

Another off-topic here: I have some weird feeling that Indonesians should thank TNI/ABRI/whatchanameit more. It's not easy, you know. Even US had a big civil war scar in her history that never will disappeared. We had little ones here and there.. but no major scar. Lives lost, that's true, justice needs to be done. But if the TNI/ABRI/whatchanameit's purpose is to prevent civil war that could disintegrate Indonesia, I would offer my applause to them.

No, I dont have any family in TNI/ABRI/whatchanameit. Yes, I don't know the bigger story. It's just my 2 cents.

Great Quote eh

2008-08-15T17:35:00.002-07:00

http://plodplod.blogspot.com/2006/07/advice-like-youth-probably-just-wasted.html

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Beijing Olympics

2008-08-08T11:55:00.002-07:00

Let the feast begin...

Hope Indonesia can get > 1 gold medal...

Article: Are We More Self-Absorbed Nowadays?

2008-07-18T00:09:00.000-07:00

clipped from ben.casnocha.com

[In school] you know your classmates and professor are going to
read your writing -- no matter what. It's their job. ... School, then, might breed a bad habit for aspiring writers and
thinkers: the illusion that people will always read your entire essay
just because it's you.

The so-called real world is super competitive. Nobody will read your
stuff (well, other than your mom) just because it's you. The real-world
reality is: No one cares what you think. It's up to you make people give a shit.

Interesting

2008-06-17T13:54:00.003-07:00

clipped from www.fourhourworkweek.com

I don’t have a corporation; I don’t even have an up-to-date business card. I’m a writer and editor working from home, usually in my boxer shorts or, if I’m feeling formal, my penguin-themed pajama bottoms.

The next day I e-mail Brickwork, one of the companies Friedman mentions in his book. Brickwork—based in Bangalore, India—offers “remote executive assistants,” mostly to financial firms and health-care companies that want data processed. I explain that I’d like to hire someone to help with Esquire-related tasks—doing research, formatting memos, like that. The company’s CEO, Vivek Kulkarni, responds, “It would be a great pleasure to be talking to a person of your stature.” Already I’m liking this. I’ve never had stature before. In America, I barely command respect from a Bennigan’s maître d’, so it’s nice to know that in India I have stature. A couple of days later, I get an e-mail from my new “remote executive assistant.”

Maybe this is just me

2008-05-31T02:28:00.005-07:00

My parents looked at my sister and they have high hopes for her
My parents looked at me and they hope I'll survive the big cruel world

They didn't got a chance to go to college due to various life factors, and the kids were the 1st generation who managed to get ahead. My parents put strong emphasis on people skills, because that is what pays for me & my sister's bachelors degree. The rest is totally up to us. We were supposed to figure out how to live on our own after graduation.

They were very afraid that I couldn't get a job. In Indonesia, I would have difficulty finding jobs. I am meek & my small circle of friends are not really that powerful unlike my sis' circle.

Guess what, I've survived, and I will continue to get ahead.

How did I survive? I have to say thanks to this great country named US and the people here.

And I am grateful to have met my fiancee; which has come from a humble background too. We definitely aren't fed with silver spoons. We gotta do what we gotta do. Due to our humble backgrounds, I have my limitations, he has his limitations. But again, you have to be persistent in what you need to do. It's all in the mindset.

In Indonesia, tendency to see social status & wealth are still there. Those factors, albeit universal, are almost necessary for people to get ahead. They will look down on you if you don't have those.

In US, you can get ahead even without those prerequisites. There are lots of eccentric & poor people (that often causes controversies) allowed to be great because they were brilliant at something.

This appreciation is one of the important differences between developed nation & underdeveloped nation.

Truly, I am much more appreciated in this country rather than in Indonesia. If I were to go back to Indonesia, one thing for sure is that I'll have a slow start.

In Indonesia, I have lower status than most of the US-graduated Indonesians. Lower status means: being meek & socially awkward personally, family from a humble background (less richer & powerful), smaller & older house, average-looking and not-so-famous.

In US, I have OK status. OK status means: having regular friends, doing ok financially in personal, having steady relationship, diverse social environments and vast knowledge.

For instance, when I tried to plan my wedding by investigating what people in my circumstances already did, my mom hushed me when I mentioned one of my friend's plan.

"Her family is very rich. Don't compare yourself to her. She has a lot of money to burn. You have to pay your own wedding."

I always viewed Indonesians in US are equal. I still want to do so. Am I living in my own world? Is my Indonesian status among my friends lower; just as my mom hinted?

But I digress.

Point is: people are given different talents. Some have 10, others have 5. Fight urge to compare, and just do whatever you need to do. I am blessed to be able to live in US and enjoy the great culture here, where I can be whatever I want to be with less difficulty. I will continue praying and hoping Indonesia would be the same haven for people like me.

Who wants to be millionaire?

2008-05-21T12:17:00.003-07:00

My 7m7y application.

I've been following http://7million7years.com/ for quite some time. It is a personal financial blog, and the author claimed that he was able to get $ 7Millions in only 7 years. Read his story here.

Well, to make long story short, he is thinking about writing a book about his journey to wealth, and he is opening applications for protege to be featured in his book. His theory is that using his method, anyone with different backgrounds could be millionaires in very short time.

Anyone who knows me know that I'm not obsessed with material stuff, I don't judge people by their material wealth. My goal is to be free from financial worries so I can use my time in more interesting stuff - like promoting Indonesia's culture.

Twitter Me!

2008-05-13T22:25:00.004-07:00

Guys, if you use twitter, I recently updated mine regularly. The link is http://twitter.com/a0z0ra. I also list my recent twitters on right sidebar of this blog.

follow me on Twitter

Glimpse about Twitter - it's like simple news broadcast to all your friends.. and you can choose to receive it via IM or SMS. It has been around for a while, but recently it really goes mainstream. Try it!

Ship em all

2008-05-04T19:11:00.003-07:00

You know what we should do to corruptors in Indonesia?

Have 1 island in Indonesia with strict military law. Or even strict shariah law, it doesn't matter. As long as punishments are severe and thoroughly executed.

Ship all the corruptors & their family to this island. Forbid them to enter their hometown forever. It's humane & possible, right?

Learn from the Governator!

2008-04-30T13:31:00.002-07:00

Having lived in California for 2 years, I have only recently had the privilege of reading our governator's wiki page.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arnold_Schwarzenegger

And check out his speech while you're at it.

http://www.schwarzenegger.com/en/life/hiswords/words_en_sac_perspectives.asp?sec=life&subsec=hiswords

The Power of The Music of the Night

2008-04-26T01:20:00.001-07:00

Music of the Night
(Michael Crawford - Webber's Phantom of the Opera)

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination
Silently the senses abandon their defenses
Helpless to resist the notes i write
For I compose the music of the night
(music)

Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour
Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender
Hearing is believing
Music is deceiving
Hard as lightning, soft as candle light
Dare you trust the music of the night..
Close your eyes for your eyes will only tell the truth
And the truth isn't what you want to see
In the dark it is easy to pretend..
That the truth is what it ought to be...

Softly, deftly, music shall caress you
Hear it, feel it, secretly possess you
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight
The darkness of the music of the night

Close your eyes start a journey through a strange, new world
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
Close your eyes and let music set you free
Only then can you belong to me

Floating, falling, sweet intoxication
Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation
Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in
To the power of the music that I write
The power of the music of the night

You alone can make my song take flight
Help me make the music of the night

Pride, Prestige

2008-04-17T23:09:00.003-07:00

These things in life are temporary & given as talents from the Almighty

We cannot boast

We have to help each other with what we have

Not just keeping them to ourselves

Pride is only good if it inspires other people to do better
Prestige is meaningless until it is usable for other things

Until then,
if we use pride & prestige for our ego only
we are like the servant who bury his master's only talent in the ground
and give it back to Him, unused

it is the insecurity within us
that prevent the gifts from truly multiplying
we don't like competitors, we want to knock them down
because they are threats to our pride & prestige

But what are they, actually? What is pride? What is prestige?

The wise fear only the Lord

Real Estate War: San Diego vs Austin

2008-03-25T17:28:00.005-07:00

How do I love thee, Lord

2008-03-12T00:16:00.002-07:00

How do I love thee, Lord
invisible one
come & go as Thou pleased

truly a fascinating mystery, how Thou managed to blinded us with idealized love

What if

2008-02-22T01:18:00.005-08:00

In the world where pursuit of (self) happiness conquers all
Everything would seems ok

As long as you are happy I'm happy
Whatever floats your boats

What if
our pursuit of happiness isn't all what imagined to be?

What if
by nature of consciousness we are made to struggle more than to be happy?

And in struggling
We may achieve true peace

Does that sound too negative to you?
It actually sounds enlightening to me

Childfree - the next revolution

2008-02-22T00:37:00.002-08:00

Right now everyone is talking about Homosexuality; how society should accept their choice of sexuality as normal.

Next, come Childfree - a movement of parenthood by choice. It is a close relative to Abortion (gasp!) or should I say motherhood by choice.

http://www.childfree.net/

Choice, choice, choice. Aaah, humans and their hard-earned freedom. Future will be very interesting if this movement becomes popular. It could happened.

After all, to this day I don't have natural ability to like children. I know several people that feel the same way. It would have been easy for me to sway to this side.

However, due to my Catholic faith, I know I ought to have children someday. It is a commandment and, um, I think the Church teaches that it brings Him glory. Ok God, whatever makes you happy, I'm happy too.

To tell you the truth, today I wasn't so afraid of child-bearing anymore. I found it very interesting. Even though I still need to bring myself to like children, it wasn't as difficult as several years ago. Maybe because my clock is ticking, the motherhood hormones is kicking, hm.

Fun thought: I kinda like the idea of having some mini-people who are dependent on you. You can mold, shape and brainwashed them. Evil grin. Uh-oh, will I be a good mother?

Truly Mobile Furniture! Perfect for college students

2008-02-21T01:08:00.000-08:00

And here's the answer

2008-02-20T13:15:00.004-08:00

Here's a million dollar question to a0z0ra:

Q: In all honesty, knowing that you will spend eternity in Purgatory if you lie, were you in a relationship before you met your fiancee?

and the answer is....

(drumrolls)

No, I wasn't.

I kept the breakup hidden for quite long, only few closest friends know about it. It was the same weekend my car was hit by the drunken driver. Few weekends later, since I don't have a decent running car, I joined 2 of my friends to go to the Church. Interestingly enough, at that time my current fiancee was in the same mass. He asked me my number which I gave him (hey, I was single). But I ignored his call because I wasn't ready.

Not until few weeks later we met again at the same Church & same mass time. This time, he also asked me out for dinner. This time I decided to give it a try.

I realize later that covering the breakup wasn't a wise move, but I'm okay taking the blame (& false rumors) for it.

After all, it was my fault in the 1st place: I wasn't clear enough about what I truly want from a relationship & I waited for too long to make decision. It ended up hurting both of us.

More breaking news

2008-02-02T00:49:00.000-08:00

- Doin a cowboy-style coding project for Sony Professional
- Thought of doing a side business, currently researching
- Room is a holy mess, Batman!
- I am engaged!
- Thus getting busier
- Seriously busy
- Plus I'm thinking of documenting my wedding preparation in a blog w/ him
- I don't know if I have time to do that
- I could get busier...

The Human Experience - Grassroots Film

2008-01-24T01:05:00.000-08:00

Lack of post

2008-01-08T22:56:00.000-08:00

Terribly busy. Family emergency, work emergency, etc etc.

Oh, Happy New Year!

New year resolution:
- Go to the office before 9. Success rate so far: 0%.

Eternal Soul?

2007-12-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

As weird as it is, I realized something. We believe every human soul is made to be eternal. But it is trapped in a fragile vessel. Thus the PAIN of SUFFERING & DEATH.

If, by design, our consciousness are supposed to last forever, thus how great is the sin of our Father (aka Adam) that God allowed DEATH to infiltrate the body?

I can never seems to grasp how disastrous disobedience is that made the Lord decide to punish the whole race.

Low profile & usefulness

2007-11-19T23:17:00.000-08:00

Indonesia's culture:
Semakin berisi padi kian menunduk

Translation:
The greater you are the more humble you're gonna be

Good people:
K. I know I'm a professor, so I'm gonna declare myself capable of teaching people. Not that I mean to show-off though, I want to help.

??? people:
I know I am good at music. But people are nasty, they are going to call me arrogant if I'm "showing off" my talents. That's why I'm gonna shut up about it. And pretend I'm stupid & joke about it.

a0z0ra's:
If you know you got something & you don't share it, shame on you. Shaamee... Your so-called-humility is actually feeding a fear; it is one of your image. You are afraid of being called arrogant. You don't trust people; you think people can't help but envy you & your talents.

About your talent; it is dying. You buried it in a deep grave.

What are you going to do when the Master come back? Can't hide.

Promotion hmm

2007-11-16T15:02:00.000-08:00

Never had a promotion before, when suddenly the good boss called me at 7:30pm, when I was on my way to pick up the hungry Malaysian to Tofu House.

GoodBoss (GB): Hi a0z0ra this is xx
Me: Oh hi xx, how r u
GB: Good, how about u
Me: Well I'm good but I'm driving (not concentrating)
GB: Oh do you have 2 mins
Me: Mmm.. what is it about?
GB: Well, we decided to give you a promotion
Me: (??!!)
GPS: Calculating route, ...left turn on Mira Mesa Blvd.
GB: You are now a Senior Consultant, we will email you the details later.
GPS: Calculating route, ...

Hiatus until the chaos leave

2007-11-03T23:52:00.000-07:00

Sheeps will get lost O God, love your sheeps, namely me. Seek the freaking lost sheep. You're the good shepherd.

Irreplaceable Beyonce

2007-10-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

I used to hate Hip-Hop & Rap with passions. To me they have the worst lyrics, contain nothing but negative things, and they don't have tunes - which is supposed to be the major thing if you want to call something as music.

But then I discover Beyonce's biography on VH1 and found myself completely attracted to her personality & her music.

She was born into a decent middle class family in Houston and her parents still stay together until now - a rarity in a country with 50% divorce rate especially among African Americans. The family was active in local church and provide a solid good moral foundation for her.

Even though she's definitely irresistible and attract many men, she doesn't play around. In fact, she is really private about her personal lives which I think is smart way to live as celebrity. Her music is usually about women empowerment, not about doin' it the rite way (like most hip-hop & rap musics). And they are very catchy too. I can see myself in the future listening to her songs in nostalgic mode.

I heard about Malaysian government asking Beyonce to cover up her performance dresses. She refused and decided to perform in Indonesia instead.

Why does it have to be about her clothes? She is a western performer isn't she? She is supposed to entertain people. Can she entertain thousands by dancing in a burka? Beyonce is a clean performer. Her songs are cleaner than other hip-hop/rap songs. She is a decent person and a positive role-model for the world.

Let's pick Britney for comparison sake. She faced the same hellish media that covers Beyonce. And look at her. You know from the tabloid that she is a bad mother and lost her kids, she divorced twice, she chooses not to wear panties & flashed her privates several times in public.

Let's say that she also wants to perform in Malaysia. You think Malaysian government 'Boleh' Britney performed in cover-up clothes? I think so.

What kind of messages is this? That an artist's public decency is more important than how that artist live his/her life?

Let me tell you something. I totally believe that majority of US people who call themselves Christians, are actually moderate. They don't really take their religions extremely serious. They are like moderate Indonesian Moslems; they want the best of lives with a decent dose of moral.

Now I am no extremist, I have interest in religions, in my own opinion being moderate about your religion is the best way to live your life. To be an extremist to max level will exclude you from identifying with the rest world. You can't be a good leader if you exclude yourself, you only make enemies.

I think Malaysia's government need to break up their extremist arrogant shells and start to serve their people. They just lost their chances to increase their gross national happiness.

My sister's wedding & lessons learned

2007-10-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

- Delegate, delegate, delegate. When you delegate & your friends are trustworthy, you have less works & can enjoy your own wedding stress-free. My sis did a great job in knowing what she wants. Her friends are very trustworthy and did their equal parts. Result: The most awesomest wedding party. Very loud too.
- Only alter your dress 1 week before the event. I almost can't breathe because I have gain weight from the last time I did my dress.
- Parents are super happy. Mom can dance poco-poco.
- Now I have additional brothers & sister from the in-law side. My new sister is super hot & very pretty, my new brother looks like a clone of the elder Bro.
- Fake eye-lashes are so cool, they made my eyes look a lot bigger
- I hate waterproof mascara & high-heel shoes with tears & passions
- I always feel energized after meeting my sister's friends. Their friendliness & talkative nature rub on me real good. Was my sis' circle a coincidental thing? Was it formed randomly with all the right people? Could it be recreated in other places?

Last but not least, congratulations to my sister & her husband.

Pray for Burmese People

2007-09-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

Please remember to include the Burmese in your daily prayer. After years of militant oppression, monks & nuns are leading a peaceful protest against the China-backed military.

Link: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7011884.stm

Image taken from BBC site.

Blind Fanaticism

2007-09-18T00:51:00.000-07:00

I want to love my faith as my family.

I don't want to fail as a family member. A family member need to be thankful for its good things. A family member also need to provide constructive criticism for his/her family.

I don't want to have blind fanaticism where I fail to recognize that my Church is, after all, have a human touch in it. A failure to recognize this will make me a dangerously proud & narcissistic person.

Enclose too tight in my comfort zone, I will become an intolerant person. I will only see the world in a very defined glasses without having my own special thoughts.

Stray too far, I will succumb to mediocrity. I will dissolve without having any special attributes which may benefit society.

After all, my Church is a dynamic one, a bahtera, a ship over the sea of life. We recognize that changes will come, and when they come we want to make sure it is not damaging the truth baton that we want to pass.

I want to love my faith as I would love my spouse. A living, breathing body of Christ in human form, with all its achievements & mistakes. I don't want to blindly adore him nor do I want to bombard him with criticism.

I want to learn how to love my faith from my elders. The glorified & the fallen ones. The famous & the notorious ones. Those priests that are faithful & those who have succumb to mortal desires. Humans at their most honest hearts, struggling in the marriage to their creators.

I want to learn the humility of the one who stands tall but walks with head down. The one with wisest mind but speak with soft voice. The one who have peace with their God, master of their emotions, savior for their people, yet invisible for those who don't recognize, like a pearl before swines, hidden from the world who celebrate greed & pride.

The art of reading people

2007-09-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

Call it the charisma, the aura, the presence. It seems like people can notice those with powers instantly. The eyes, you may say, truly reveal all. According to Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, it is the closest bridge to mind.

No matter how you call it, people will do snap judgements within milliseconds with their eyes. Whether the judgement is close to reality is another story.

Those with the most expressive face tend to dominate the group. These people are very skillful in reading people. They usually know what people want and how to make them happy. Their judgements usually very close to reality. They may know what makes that person ticks within couple of minutes. In conversation, they not only hear the voice, they also listen to the body language & what their hearts tell them. Once you get all the information, you'll know how to create happiness for this particular person. Repeat the process several times with different people, and in the end you'll gain high points in social ranks.

Those who are shy, quiet & less expressive, they are usually clueless. They tend to have bigger error margins in reading people. They don't know how to act in a social situation, they will say the wrong things at the wrong time, offend people repeatedly & thus lose points in social ranks. Only with God's grace can this people still have healthy social life.

However, I believe the art of reading people is a skill that can be learned. If one is honest and know s/he needs help, s/he can be an expert within time. This can be achieved only through trial & error. Even though one can learn from a mentor, like swimming, it is through trial and error s/he can truly master the skill.

Within time s/he is going to graduate from this school of art & find his/her own unique way of connecting with people. Until then, just be merry & happy.

The prerequisite is that one has to be honest. Those who are arrogant don't think that they aren't skillful. They will be left behind in their own little world. And they will get angry for not receiving the love they think they deserved, and start to believe that the world is against them. To this manner, I'd say, only God's grace can open their eyes.

Countdown to my sister's wedding

2007-09-12T15:35:00.000-07:00

My lovely loud vibrant famous alien sister is going to have a wedding this month in Dallas Texas. She may magically evolved into the famous Bridezilla (heard so many horror stories on the internet). Along will come her loud vibrant crazy friends too. It's gonna be Super. Just imagine, a wedding where everyone have a crazy good loud time, champagne, cake and all. Fab.

My Malaysian dude is probably going to enjoy the loudness & all that jazz. He was born for it. I may need to recover for a whole day from over-exposure. I'm a meek gal after all.

I can't wait until my parents arrived. The last time I saw them was 2 years ago. They will be here for the wedding with two of my aunts. Then off they go to vacations across Texas & California. Too bad, I can't take days off that long. I can only accompany them when they arrive in California. Vegas, San Fransisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, here we come. Oh wait, I'm already in San Diego :D

Speaking of which, looking at the flabbergasping hotel prices in San Fransisco (for 8), I decided to try renting a house for a mere $200ish/night. It looks very decent in the photos. I hope it will be so.

Got a very good deal on 4-star hotel in Vegas. 4 days 3 nights, 2 bedrooms for $400ish total in MGM. I'm a happy meek gal. Currently contemplating whether to try the front-desk tip.

Friendship between a man & a woman

2007-09-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

I used to write that deep friendship among a man & a woman can exist if both parties agree not to proceed further.

Here I am, 3 years older, and I have changed my mind.

There is no honest deep friendship between a man & a woman, especially if they are still single.

By nature, woman almost always try instinctively to "capture" husbands, and man will always view woman as possible mate for making children (aka sex). There are always hidden intentions whether the woman/man realize it or not. One shouldn't be careless or naive enough to really believe that it is possible.

Bah! I don't believe this crap. You may say. After all, you can't really see my heart so you shouldn't judge me in such matter.

True, I shouldn't judge you. However, I do believe that I am entitled to see it as an observer and propose my understanding of it. This is what I believe, and from my eyes I would interpret it as such; those with deep/longterm friendships with opposite sex will view the friend as:
- backup (for marriage/sex),
- source of approval (checking own's value in the market),
- source of attentions & affections from opposite sex

For those who are interested further, you can read part III Chapter 18 of Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales.

Indonesians killing other Indonesians

2007-08-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

A sudden thought last Friday made me angry like hell.

Are our leaders a greater threat to Indonesia than the so-called-evil occupants for the 3-1/2 (more or less) centuries?

If, let's say, Soeharto was the British governor of India when Gandhi started to arise, would Gandhi be allowed to live & later touch millions of hearts outside of India?

Do we value human lives, the gifts of Allah, more than our western neighbors?

Behold, Indonesia is a nation where heroes (human rights activists) were murdered and forgotten like insects. Where brilliant minds are declared have no value and erased from the face of the earth. This is the land where Ita Martadinata & Munir killed and perhaps future heroes will be murdered, with no glimpse of future justice.

From our own culture & in our own soil, Soeharto was born. We were responsible for our own blood. We killed our own children. We, just like our Vietnamese (Vietcong) & Cambodian (Khmer Rouge) neighbors, have this weird culture where elimination of human lives solve problems. And apparently, we are very good at it.

I heard some people would still linger at the thoughts of why they missed the old-days of Soeharto where stability rules. If (military) stability was built on top of cruelty & genocide (not to mention selling out our economy), would I still be enjoying it? Is that a really necessary sacrifice for the good of all (utilitarian)?

Are we that kind of ignorant people who would demand blood for mere-short-stability which can collapse any second? Are we really that short-sighted?

Afterall, I thought Indonesia is the land of peace-loving people, where justice prevails & harmony is a must. Should we start reflecting on our own values?

Meet The Bevlys

2007-08-22T08:55:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I had a chance to meet Jennie S. Bev & Beni Bev, famous Indonesian expats bloggers. They were on vacation in San Diego for a couple of days. They were very nice to spare their precious time to meet me.

They were very different from people I usually meet. Jennie is nice & very down-to-earth, she looked at you in the eyes, listened very well, and a very good talker. I can chat to her easily. Beni is mature, cool, calm & collected. He is more of a heavy talker; social-politics stuff. I can easily mistake him for my college professor.

Like I said, they were very different from people I usually meet. They are the first visionaries I've ever meet. It is really nice for them to come and reach out; and I really believe people like them should do this often to people like me (insert Spiderman's quote here). People, especially the naive young ones, crave for good mentors; someone to look up too, someone to show the way, someone to follow.

While I'm at it, for those live in Southern California, there will be a 1965 Incident Road Show in US with A. Suryo Wicaksono (Ester Jusuf's husband) in Los Angeles, 18 - 22 September 2007. He will talk about the killing of estimated 500,000 - 1 million people during Soeharto's revolution. This 1965 revolution is also notable for introducing racist laws to strip Chinese-Indonesian from their identity; name, language, positions in laws, religion (Konghucu) etc. So if you want to put the blame on why Malaysian Chinese are better off than Indonesian Chinese amidst the similar social-politic environment, you can blame this stinky revolution.

Link can be found here: http://www.overseasthinktankforindonesia.com/?p=181

Forgetful not

2007-08-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

The memories of past friendships haunt me
vividly, in my dreams
I can't believe how happy I was
the naive, young freshman girl
stupid as stupid be
didn't really understand the law of causal-effect

Back then,
I'd say whatever I want to say to whoever I want,
purely honest, no politics, no hard-feeling,
so ego-satisfying, purely emotionals, just want to have fun,
prancing, prancing, and prancing around

That was then,
I'm looking back now, I truly can't believe how happy I was
As stupid as I see it now, I darely not change anything if I can
I'll just be there, like watching butterflies in the meadow
floating, flying, dancing around

I've always guard it, to continuously keep it in my heart, silently, knowingly,
courageously, understandingly,

yet I'm looking forward to the bright future,
the future that hold my dream in sight,
beautiful passions that drive me onward,
to achieve whatever things I need to achieve,
to love all the people I got to love,
to listen all the wisdom I'm allowed to hear,
to practice them all,
yes, I'm going to keep walking to the frontline,
the beautiful battlefield that I'm supposed to be in

But
that is one hell of a diamond, my precious thing that is.

Link - Litany of Humility

2007-08-12T02:03:00.000-07:00

Click here to see Litany of Humility

Excerpt:
...
That others may be esteemed more than I
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease
That others may be chosen and I set aside
That others may be praised and I unnoticed
...

My notes:
In conclusion, the desire for humility is a grace from God. Then, Humility itself must be entirely divine in nature. How amazing!

Deep thanks to my gorgeous KeongMas gokujin-sama - Renesule - who linked to this litany. Her extremely entertaining blog can be accessed here.

Article - Malaysia not to hamper flow of Indonesian films and music

2007-08-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

Link here

Hmm.. monkey babies are we? Who is the hanoman here? Is it our fault that our music & arts are far more developed than yours? Is it our fault that the Malay market over there like our music & movies?

Feed your citizens more Malay culture. Malaysians have identity crisis; the country is filled with western & hongkong-wannabes. They can't even speak Malay properly after high-school, yet they call themselves Malaysians. Shameful. Tsk-tsk. The Indonesians, even after living several years in other countries, we don't lose our language.

At least there's one commonality between us & Japanese, ne?

P.S: Yea, I have a Malaysian boyfriend.. that's how I know he & his friends can't speak good Malay hahaha

Love is not Arrogant

2007-08-06T17:19:00.001-07:00

You've been there. You've meet them. These people have the attitude of God-wannabes. They hold their heads up high, speak in arrogant low-pitch tone, smirk when witnessing a mistake, somebody else's for sure.

Their whole body language makes you want to slap them silly, "Wake up, you self-delusional (*^%(.. You're no better than us!"

However, in reality perhaps they are truly better than us. They may have been blessed so much that you'd think they have every right to be proud (in world's term, nonetheless). It's just that arrogant, heaven-almighty attitude that is so hard to accept. Ugh.

Why are they behaving like that?
What makes them think they are better than us?

I remember one of our friend, JJ, spoke about pride in one of the prayer meeting session. He quoted heavily from CS Lewis "Mere Christianity". All in all, what I remember from the session is such:
"If you think you don't have pride, you are very arrogant."
"If you think you are arrogant, then you are safe."

??? Such a puzzling statement, don't you think?
So, following the above rule, let's apply that to myself.
I don't think I have pride = I'm helplessly arrogant.

Lord have mercy.

Then again, that is probably true. Most arrogant people may not even know that they are arrogant. They have subconcious thoughts that always running in their mind whenever they interact with other human, such as:
- I am a lot better than this person.
- They are just jealous. Can't help it.
- So what? I'd like to be positive & self-confident thank you very much.

In retrospect, people feel offended when they interact with the arrogants. They don't like:
- being judged as less worthy
- being minisculed before knowing each other's traits
- being passed over without their permission

I think arrogancy is universally bad because it eliminates any trust & teamwork that is needed in everyday life. Arrogancy elevates unhealthy competition to a new level. By being arrogant, you dismissed people as being unworthy of your time. By being arrogant, you consider people to be objects that you can easily use. I don't like being used, I believe you don't either.

Thus, in western world, humility is a trait to be praised. It is hard to be humble when everyone wants to be better than each other. It is hard to be humble when you know you have talents that others don't. It is tremendously hard for leaders to be humble and gain respect from their followers at the same time. Thus those who are skilled in humility are always high in demand. They are very likeable.

How to deal with arrogant people?
Sometimes, the so-called-arrogant people behave that way because inside they don't have much self-confidence. That is why they tend to bring down people before they have to prove their supremacy. Those who are easily swayed will believe that they are indeed lower than the arrogants. We must be strong in faith that God creates all souls equally in value. However, God gives graces accordingly to each unique design. If we are strong enough, their arrogancy should have little effects on us.

Also, following the above rule we should be conscious that we are not entirely free from pride. After all, Adam & Eve ate the forbidden fruits because they wanted to be like God. To keep ourselves from being arrogant, daily prayers & meditations should be useful. Along with many weak spots, pride is on top of my list (Yea right, as if I have many things to be proud of..)

So, in conclusion:
- We need to be patient & kind to people we considered as arrogant. Our judgement may differ from God's. If you care about them, consider praying for their good.
- Meantime, we need to realize that there is pride inside all of us. Pray to receive strength to overcome this heavy temptation and grant us graces to be humble.

Article - Stuff Owns You!

2007-07-31T23:21:00.000-07:00

Give it to Paul Graham for composing such a wonderful, wonderful article.

Link: http://www.paulgraham.com/stuff.html

Excerpts:
...
Companies that sell stuff have spent huge sums training us to think stuff is still valuable. But it would be closer to the truth to treat stuff as worthless.

In fact, worse than worthless, because once you've accumulated a certain amount of stuff, it starts to own you rather than the other way around. I know of one couple who couldn't retire to the town they preferred because they couldn't afford a place there big enough for all their stuff. Their house isn't theirs; it's their stuff's.
...

My 2 cents:
I never really think much about owning stuff, because when I was little I already learn how valuable saving money is. Without money saved, I would never step my foot in US. That's why I have an extreme discipline about spending money. I'm not cheap however, my parents always urge me to spend money on life experiences rather than stuff. I have my weak points on entertainment (like watching movies, theatre performances & dining out) but spending money on stuff? I feel guilty, but I never know the cause.

Paul Graham really hit it on the bullseye. Stuff suck energy out of you. If you owned stuff, you have to take care of it, making sure you use it often, because if you don't use it you will feel guilty. Why? Because when you make a purchase, you decided to put a value on the thing. If you don't use it, you will regret it and deep inside you know you make mistakes. Nobody likes regrets.

Article - Acts of Kindness

2007-07-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

The link - http://www.thestar.com/ActsofKindness/article/190134

Excerpt:
...
We didn't speak Indonesian, and they didn't speak English, but we spent the next hour or so communicating with hand gestures and a few phrases in a small phrase book we had.

Once the rain stopped, we went on our way with a repaired tire and memories that we'll be telling for decades.
...

My take:
Now this is what Indonesia need, good publicity. Kindness to people in need, courtesy to strangers, sincere smiles to all.

Indonesia on my mind has to be a country with open arms, honest, very warm & inviting; just like a kawaii anime girl. Unlike our neighbor, Singapore, the beautiful cunning little sister with shifty eyes. Watch out, she can bite (Tee hee).

I'm from a third world country, after all

2007-07-23T23:31:00.000-07:00

The Indonesians,

Perhaps we were not destined for greatness
perhaps we have to be satisfied with begging to first world countries

What is it? Seems like Japanese, Chinese, Koreans & Singaporeans understand something that we don't...
But why? What is it? Such great mystery keep me awake at night

Those Asians, they don't necessarily speak better English
yet, they stand up straight and walk ahead
Why can they held their head up high, while we lower our heads in shame

Laziness? Is it?
Betrayal? Is it?
Fear? Is it?

"Such a low country doesn't deserve us," some Indonesians may say
they are trying to make first world countries their new homes
so they can have a taste of pride
and the luxury of boasting

"Awesome, she lives in USA"
"Wow, she makes US dollars"

Must be a good life eh?
Can't complain much, I'd say. Life is good here.

Yet time & time again, I saw that other Asians (Japanese, Koreans, HongKongers, Singaporeans) gone home for good. They like it there at their countries.
Although they sometimes complain, I sense proud in their voices
Life can be good there too. Besides, it looks like their countries can only get better each passing year.

How did those Asians learn "pride" for their country? Why not me?
What pride should I offer then, as Indonesians?

As a society, we are taught to distrust our leaders, that they are very shamefully corrupted
(perhaps this is the way the good ole' Dutch prefer us to be)
That justice is a crude joke & criminals over there are having great time
The Javanese culture doesn't do much in world stage than the Japanese culture
Our movies *really* sucks (Sad to say, but if you say it takes years to bring quality why the Thais can do it?)

Don't compare, you say? Maybe this relax behavior is harmful. Little competition can bring a lot of good things along. Like, not losing our smart engineers to Singapore (that cunningful little %^*(&^7).

We may need to open our eyes and face the world out there
teach our children to be curious and learn new things

Of course, being with other Indonesians, continue speaking & writing in Indonesian bring comfort, joy and acceptance
but we also inherit childish, clueless behaviors & running in circles

If we dare to go out there, little by little, we could have been great. We could have gone from "Imitating" stage to "Inventing" stage like we should.

Imagine an Indonesia that people like to visit
Imagine people start wearing kebayas like they buy kimonos
Imagine people start learning Indonesian like they learn Mandarin
Imagine youtube would start offering Indonesia sinetrons with million of hits
Imagine an Indonesian film being redone as Hollywood movie
Imagine having an Indonesian food everywhere, like Chinese food

Wouldn't that be great?

Truly, Really, I dream of an Indonesia that I can speak about, with pride & joy

Sleeveless = immoral?

2007-07-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

This is oh so wrong on so many levels.

Singer from Malaysia held over dressing in sleeveless shirt & long pants.

These religious police govern the Moslems, who most are pribumis. In Malaysia the pribumis cannot change religion, Islam is predetermined for them since birth.

Indonesia, albeit known as the fertile ground of terrorists activity, surprisingly doing a lot better to curb extremist enthusiastics than our jiran neighbor. I wonder whether one day the clunch of the extremist would be so powerful that Malaysian pribumis would mass-imigrate to Indonesia; where lands are plenty & people are nicer.

BTW, these polices remind me of the arrogant Pharisees in the Bible. They are trying to be judges of men instead of be kind, compassionate to their people & believe in a just God.

Link: The Traps of the Inner Circle

2007-07-12T17:28:00.000-07:00

Brian Kim has a very nice article about Inner Circle, a topic that is very dear to my heart.

Excerpt from the article:
The need to belong is very strong. We want to feel accepted by our fellow peers. It’s perfectly healthy and normal to want to be part of an inner circle but when you look at it from a deeper angle, it proves to bring along with it a couple of traps that many people fall into.

In any inner circle, there is an unspoken understanding of the profiles of each person within the group. This is essential because it gives the illusion of stability in terms of status within the inner circle. John is this kind of person. Adam is this kind of person. Bob is that kind of person.

BUT, when you start rocking the boat, it shakes up the “stability” of the inner circle and when you start to change yourself and try to become more than what you’ve been profiled as by the inner circle, it threatens the harmony of the group and it’s natural for other people in the inner circle to try to “put you back in your place” so to speak.
...