# moderate to inferior in quality; "they improved the quality from mediocre to above average"
# average: lacking exceptional quality or ability; "a novel of average merit"; "only a fair performance of the sonata"; "in fair health"; "the caliber of the students has gone from mediocre to above average"; "the performance was middling at best"
# poor to middling in quality; "there have been good and mediocre and bad artists"
I always want to be on Top ever since I remember. I want to be #1, I dont want to be average. I want everyone to see that I'm above average. If I cannot compete in female-related genes (good looks especially), I want to compete in other skills: intelligence, religious life (yep, even this), artistic ability, creativity.
But in high school I discovered that I cannot always be on Top. There are people who are UNBELIEVABLE smart (Febi), pretty (Gadis), religious (Dora) & creative (Bajaj). And worse, some of them have it ALL: eg. Dora is a VERY pretty, friendly, smart & religious girl. She got a scholarship on third year of high school to Aussie. Alas, there are people I knew in middle school I considered below me, in high school they fared MUCH better (Erna, Ardelia). Extreme shocks you may say. Probably one of the reasons I hate my high school lol.
I was so afraid that they would laugh at me because now they see me as mediocre. Not very smart, not very creative, not very pretty. Just mediocre. Well I have to do something! Thus I put extreme effort in my extracurricular activity: Drama. In my third year I was casted as Bottom in our Bali version of Midsummers night dream. I practiced at home frequently. I memorized the scripts, I practiced the voice, I meditated the character, and so on.
Then at the D day I feel so nervous and excited at the same time. The adrenaline! After like almost 1 1/2 year of hard practices... It was sooo like a dream, only better. The satisfaction! The audience, +-200, really enjoy my performance. The attentions! The thunderous applause! Oh how I feel so appreaciated back then. I feel so not mediocre. After all, how many people can do what I did huh?
That is back in high school. Now? Friendster have this ugly side effect for me. I'm very competitive you know, and recently I discovered more and more ex-classmates seems to have their life all figured out. Some of them are married already, some of them work in large company, some of them got their master's degree already... got scholarship to prestige places... enough things to make my competitive blood burst. I feel soo mediocre now!
I dont want to be mediocre. I want my name to be listed on history book. I want everyone to look at me in awe. But then, who am I to decide whether I'm going to succeed? Lots of people have tried, they walk the path, they contemplate, they pray a lot.. yet extremely few persons made it to the top. Definitely there is that GOD factor playing in the field. I gotta accept that fact. I will walk the path, meditate on success, pray a lot.. but on top of those I have to let Da Man take care of the rest. Having ambission is okay, I guess, but having a stress life trying not to be mediocre is not really a satisfying life in the end. If being mediocre is my calling, I'll pray for the strength to accept it
a0z0ra @ 11:46 AM  |