Even though I never remember my dreams, I planted in my consciousness that I dreamt heavily of my one-sided lover.
What I remember about him is that he was a freaking bad boy, he pissed off countless people. Every1 in my groups talked bad of him, made jokes of his mistakes & bad behaviors. Yea, there r some friends that like him for what he is, but err.. the ratio isn't looking good for him though, I'd say it's 10:1. Even my parents talked me out to forget about him.
The last time I saw him, it was in 2002 and I kinda remember I was so excited to finally meet him. The first impression was good, my experience with him was okay-bordering-to-unforgettable. Then as time goes by, I started to realize how far is my image of him with the harsh reality. He is just like that, he never change & I don't think he wanted to change his bad behavior. He still pissed every1 off, all people just keep nagging about him. For some reasons the last week being with him made me cannot wait to go back to Tucson.
But I am a fierce lover, once I made up my mind it usually stays on for a very long time. I cannot just forget him in a snap although he has sickened me so many times. Just to let u know, he is famous for his racist sentiments & I am one of his racial jokes back there.
And still I am considering to go meet with him once again, although I didn't think he ever wanted me to. In the back of my mind somehow I got this feeling that he NEEDS me. Bleh, nothing could be farther than the truth. He will ignore me. He will hate me. He will hunt me down & kill me slowly, painfully until I am out of self-defense mechanism. That is just how cruel he is.
But I am a fierce lover. I keep telling myself that when I think it's a right thing to do, then just do it. And the right thing to do is to keep continuing my oh-so-grand imaginations about how I will contribute to his well-being.
Wait.. Dammit.. I think I forgot something. What's that? O yeah, I am a freaking SHY person. How will he notice me if I'm not gonna tell him? Now I can't just yell to him and say "I love u" can I?
Like what? Like, SMS him: "Hi Indonesia, luv 4eva XOXO" ????
a0z0ra @ 5:02 PM  |
He stripped away my posessions, bit by bit
My passions, bit by bit
My compassions, bit by bit
My emotions, bit by bit
My last will to survive, bit by bit
The white emptiness is so strong
The ice coldness is so real
I breathed the air of pure loss
I ate the bread of pure loneliness
Once I saw so eery, now I find its beauty
Now I only long for nothingness
I long for Him & His justice that I am so curious with
even though it isn't fair from my eyes
I keep on rambling to my heart to trust His justice
O come, come now
It's been too long
a0z0ra @ 4:09 PM  |
___inTimaTe :: sTranGer___
"He will call my name before I know his.
He will smell of memories that I never knew I had.
He can swim the length of a pool in one breath.
He can write as if his words were alive.
He will have a wonderfully kind touch.
And his dog will be a retriever.
And he will have eyes that laugh - the very first time I look into them."
a0z0ra @ 11:16 AM  |
"Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning."
- Mohandas Karamchand (Mahatma) Gandhi
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
So sorry folks.. For now I will work hard to ignore those statements which against my ideals. Call me short-sighted, I can't be confused for too long now can I..
a0z0ra @ 1:35 PM  |
Another try at vector art. Click on picture to get the bigger version.
a0z0ra @ 12:23 PM  |