Huge milestone. Then what?
I'm still hungry, restless, but no longer resent this burden. I'll go on.
a0z0ra @ 10:05 PM  |
This very well be ended in tears, O dearest, O loveliest. You do know that.
It maybe my insanity or my Lord actually told me that this won't end well. I'll be the one Die Trying.
I hate it. But eventually I know I'll accept it. For now, My Dearest, My Loveliest, accept that your one and only will be a major side-eye collectors. If we are to be rich by the number of that being given, we should be a gazillionaire. But Alas, no market demand in that. We're cash-flow negative since we're paying the pride price. Eventually it will drop to zero. Sorry. My bad.
Why me? Why do I do this? I hate you my Lord. With purest hate that can possibly exist in this dying world. Why not them? They're better looking. They're smarter. They're richer. They're luckier.
Little by little, I'm left with no pride. And you, my Lord, still kept the blood flowing, this heart still beating, the rage is still on, ever increasing chips on my shoulder. Still walking here, same old dusty shoes. Still showing this face. Everyday facing the same enemy staring back in the mirror - older wearier eyes, thinner hair, more wrinkles.
For who? Nam qui? Para que?
Dearest, Loveliest, is it for you? The ideal that never exist. He may have been one of Camille Claudel's broken statues - once lovingly crafted "by my naked hand" - she said. Shattered to pieces by her own naked hand again.
Darkness maybe my friend. Darkness never a good friend for ladies. Not for human consumption. Ladies should be good, full of light, warmest creature, full of prayer, never lost in hope. Never question. Always need to forget. Forget the Lord never help the mother with 7 sons in Maccabees. Also got to pretend Maryknoll Sisters ever exist and suffer in El Salvador - apparently there exist no savior.
But my heart knew, this is a cruel God we're talking about. And we're slave to his ideal. Thus obey, my people, until the day end. We're in this together.
a0z0ra @ 11:20 PM  |
Gautama, that guy, said life is suffering, so control your expectation and be happy!
So I say, sureee be happy but why people flock to countries which put high expectations on them (and thus.... can correlate to high suicides)?
I say, more than happiness, people are drawn to pursuit of perfection. Get a litttllee bit closer to God, or being GOD. In your Niche. Choose your niche. SEO it. Build Social Media followings. Ok I digress.
a0z0ra @ 12:22 PM  |
I can't recall when exactly I stopped being confused and melancholic. All I am right now is a mixture of rage and blissful existence. Perhaps I have absorbed some US of A's air that's thick of sense of entitlement in my lung. YESSSHHH I slowly and surely become one of those crazy entitled Asian chicks that have forgotten her FOB root!
Why should we give the next generation all the fun? Why should we cover our head in shame and be modern-day slave just because we were unfortunate enough to be born outside US of A? Why Should I Wait to Live Precariously Through My Sons - If I Can Try And Do It Myself?
Common Immigrant wisdom story always be - First generation build the foundation, Second generation scale it, Third one maintain it. Means, I should shut up and work, be obedient, and most importantly position & push my sons so they can study-study-study to their Ivy League destiny.
To hell with that. If my sons want to go being all baadd, leading an underground movement to topple the government or be a drug kingpin, as long as they do it in style and pour their hearts so they can be best of the best, I'm all out for it.
a0z0ra @ 7:59 PM  |
I swear to you, I will not
lose this muscle that we've acquired in blood and sweat
for generations, its gut coded in our gene
Survive! Thrive! Damn it.
a0z0ra @ 8:33 PM  |
Beautiful == Brown eyes that transcends time
a0z0ra @ 7:34 PM  |
Truth which transcends this life, you must heed
Perfection that is visible to you, you must unveil
There's that line, if you follow, it will lead somewhere, when you believe, it will be followed by those who understand.
a0z0ra @ 5:04 PM  |